01 DIsney Housewives
02 Mary Poppins
03 Princess and Crabby Find Osama Bin Laden's Corpse Below the Waves
04 You Think I'm the Beast?
05 Cinderella's Slipper
06 Captain Hook
07 Aladdin
08 Aladdin...10 years later
09 The Wizard of Oz
10 Cinema Classics: The Wizard of Oz
11 The Maiden and the Mice
12 New Annie
01 DIsney Housewives
Cast: Belle, Snow White, Jasmine, Rapunzel, Cinderella, Prince Charming
[opening music]
ANNOUNCER: Coming this Fall to Bravo: If you love “The Real Housewives of Atlanta”… [ show clip ] and “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”… [ show clip ] Well, this Spring the drama is getting EVEN MORE ANIMATED! It’s “The Real Housewives of Disney”.
[ show Belle ]
BELLE: The Magic KIngdom is my playground — and I like to play!
[ show Snow White ]
SNOW: I’m the fairest of them all — until you cross me!
[ show Jasmine ]
JASMINE: I don’t need to rub a lamp… to get what I want!
[ show Rapunzel ]
RAPUNZEL: I’m out of the tower, and into the spotlight!
[ show Cinderella ]
CINDERELLA: And I’m a huge fucking mess!
[ cut to title card ]
[ open on the princesses greeting one another with kisses on the cheek ]
ANNOUNCER: It’s the princesses as you’ve NEVER seen them before!
RAPUNZEL: [ holding glass ] Thank you all for coming to my castlewarming party! You guys are like stepsisters to me — and not the evil kind.
[ Rapunzel giggles, but Cinderella gives her a dirty look ]
CINDERELLA: [ toasting her glass ] Ladies, um… I’m starting a charity to help raise money for dwarves… uh, because they need our help, because they’re not real people.
[ Snow White shakes her head ]
[ cut to testimonial ]
SNOW: I cannot believe she did that! Dwarves are MY thing! And “They’re not people”?! She said that RIGHT in front of Doc!
[ at the party, camera pans down to Doc giving a grumpy face ]
[ cut to dinner table sequence ]
BELLE: [ holding up earrings on seashells ] Look what I got for our trip under the sea! $25,000! Can you believe? But, hey – we can all afford it!
[ pan over to Jasmine, crying; she runs from the table ]
RAPUNZEL: Ugh! What is wrong with her?
[ cut to testimonial ]
CINDERELLA: Jasmine and Aladdin are BROKE! THey used up all their wishes. [ whispering ] I heard he spent the last one on a lap dance. [ she points to herself and mouthes “With me.” ]
[ Jasmine shuts the bathroom door so she can cry in private ]
[ cut to testimonial ]
RAPUNZEL: Here’s the thing — Jasmine brought a casserole to our potluck… and I found a tiny hat inside. [ whispering ] She cooked the monkey!
[ cut to the princesses clinking their glasses ]
ANNOUNCER: It’s a whole new world — OF DRAMA!
[ cut to Jasmine crying as she explains things to Snow White ]
JASMINE: I had sex with Iago!
SNOW: The parrot?
JASMINE: I thought it wa Aladdin! He was mimicking his voice!
[ cut to Prince Charming entering the party ]
ANNOUNCER: And not all their princes are charming.
CHARMING: Hi, ladies! Hi, Cin! [ he leans in for a kiss, then retracts ]
[ cut to testimonial ]
CINDERELLA: Here’s some good advice: Never marry a guy who’s really into shoes.
[ return to the dinner table ]
CHARMING: [ to Rapunzel ] Whoa! What are you wearing? [ he chuckles ]
RAPUNZEL: Excuse me?
[ cut to testimonial ]
CHARMING: Rapunzel, Rapunzel… burn down that dress! [ he chuckles ]
[ cut to testimonial ]
SNOW: Looks like my stepmother… isn’t the only evil queen in town! [ she holds up her hand, as seven tiny dwarf hands rise up to high-five her ]
[ cut to Belle putting a boombox on top of the fireplace ]
BELLE: You guys! I’m releasing a HOT new track this week, and I want you to hear it first!
[ zoom in on Jasmine ]
JASMINE: Oh, goo-oo-ood… another one.
BELLE: [ singing ]
“Be our guest! Be our guest!
Cavier, Versace!
Be our guest! Be our guest!
Rolls Royce, Versace!
Be our guest! Be our guest…”
[ cut to testimonial ]
CHARMING: They should give the posion apple to whoever told that BITCH she could sing! [ he chuckles ]
ANNOUNCER: And, of course — there’s the fighting!
BELLE: [ to Snow White ] Who does your hair? Birds?
SNOW: At least I didn’t marry a BEAST!
BELLE: His name is Kelsey Grammer!
[ cut to Cinderella and Rapunzel having a tugf-of-war with Rapunzel’s hair ]
CINDERELLA: I’m gonna pull this big-ass weave off your head!
RAPUNZEL: Here comes MIDNIGHT… BITCH!! [ she coldcocks Cinderella ] [ Snow White is stunned, but in awe ]
[ cut to title card ]
ANNOUNCER: “The Real Housewives of Disney”!
[ cut to Cinderella chugging alchohol and spilling it on her dress ]
CINDERELLA: [ laughing ] Whatever!
ANNOUNCER: Only on Bravo!
[ fade ]
02 Mary Poppins
Cast: Mary Poppins, Jane Banks, Michael Banks,Children, Constable Jones
[ open on storybook courtyard scene ]
MARY and CHILDREN: (Singing)
“Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious.
If you say it loud enough. you’ll always sound precocious.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!”
[ the children giggle, as they bench seats opposite Mary Poppins ]
JANE: Oh, Mary Poppins, that was EVER so much fun!
MICHAEL: What a delightful new word!
JANE: It must be the LONGEST word in the dictionary.
MICHAEL: And the SILLIEST!
[ an unsettling tension suddenly fills the air ]
JANE: What does it mean, Mary Poppins?
MARY: [ taken aback ] What? Ohhh, that doesn’t matter. Its just a silly-billy word. Now, who wants to ride a magical carousel?
JANE: I do! But first, please tell us what that word means.
MICHAEL: Yes, there must be some kind of working definition.
MARY: Well. If you must know, “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” is a disease of the liver. It’s very rare and extremely painful.
JANE: Goodness! How’d you ever learn a word like that Mary Poppins?
MARY: I have it! I have the disease!
MICHAEL: Oh!
JANE: Is it… as fun to have as it is to say, Mary Poppins?
MARY: Well… no. What happens, basically, is that your liver stops producing bile. Gradually, you lose the ability to break down acids, and eventually your body just shuts down. Sure is fun to sing though. [ laughs ] “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!” [ laughs more maniacally ]
CHILDREN: Is it… contagious, Mary Poppins?
MARY: Yes! But only for grown-ups.
MICHAEL: What does that mean?!
MARY: How do I explain it? Sometimes when a man and a woman really fancy each other…
[ suddenly, Bert the chimney sweep appears ]
BERT: ‘ello everyone!
CHILDREN: Bert!!
[ Jane runs to greet Bert ]
BERT: Oh, easy, children! I’ve got one heck of a stomachache. It must be your cooking, Mary Poppins![ Mary smiles nervously ]
MICHAEL: [ excitedly ] We just — we just learned a new word! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
BERT: Oh, how delightful!
MICHAEL: It’s a disease of the liver!
JANE: Mary Poppins has it!
MICHAEL: [ he whispers loudly ] It’s spread amongst grown-ups!
BERT: [ he freezes in place ] Is that right? Childrne, would, uh — excuse us for one moment? [ he approaches Mary ] What they say, Mary? Do you… have something?
MARY: Oh, Bert. Don’t worry. You look healthy to me.
BERT: Healthy? I’ve got black lung from sweeping the chimneys, and now you’ve given me supercalifragi-whatever.
MICHAEL: [ singing ] “Expialidocious!”
BERT: [ to children ] Shut it!
MARY: Oh, Bert. Cheer up. It’s not that bad. [Singing with the children] “Because… just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, in the most delightful way!!”
BERT: [ sarcastically ] Sugar. That’ll cure my disease.
[ Constable Jones enters the courtyard ]
CONSTABLE JONES: ‘ello guys!
CHILDREN: Constable Jones!! [ they start to rise ]
CONSTABLE JONES: Oh, don’t come near me. I’m feeling awfully sick. Must be your cooking, Mary Poppins! So, uh — what’s the good word.
BERT: Listen, Tommy… [ he whispers into Constable jones’ ear ]
CONSTABLE JONES: Oh, no. Supercalifragi-what?
MICHAEL: [ singing ] “Expialidocious!”
BERT: Come on, I’ll buy you a whiskey. Come on. [ they exit ]
MICHAEL: This has been… a very unusual day, Mary Poppins.
MARY: Well, I’m a very unusual nanny! [ she laughs maniacally ] I guess I’m in pretty serious denial!
MARY and CHILDREN: (Singing) “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!”
[ fade ]
03 Princess and Crabby Find Osama Bin Laden's Corpse Below the Waves
Cast: Mermaid Princess, Crabby, Seahorse, Salmon #1,#2, Manta Ray
[ open on underwater vista ]
[ dissolve to sea floor ]
MERMAID: Oh, Crabby! The human world is so amazing! When I went up there, I saw people dancing, seahorse carriages, and look — [ holds up a fork ] I even found a whatchamadoodle! [ she begins to comb her hair with it ]
CRABBY: [ chuckling ] Princess, look around you! You have everything you need right here, at the bottom of the ocean!
MERMAID: I don’t know, Crabby…
CRABBY: Oh, trust me, girl! The human world is a MESS! But down here, it’s PARADISE!
[ music begins to play ]
MERMAID: What do you mean, Crabby?
CRABBY: Well, I’ll TELL you what I mean!
[ singing ]
“Below the waves Below the waves
We always gather, down with the salmon
Below the waves!”
Take it, Princess!
MERMAID: [ singing ]
“Everyone’s happy and relaxed
We got a seahorse on the sax
Look at that manta, he’s drinking Fanta
Below the waves!”
You know what, Crabby? You’re right — the bottom of the ocean is the PERFECT place to be!
CRABBY: That’s the spirit, Princess! [ singing ] “All of the dolphins play keyboards And the shrimp –”
[ suddenly, a dead body wrapped in shrouds falls on Crabby’s head ]
CRABBY: Hey! Hey! Hey! What is on me?! Can somebody tell me what’s on me, please?!
MERMAID: It’s some sort of… body wrapped in a — what’s that word again? — shroud.
CRABBY: Oh, my God! It’s Osama bin Laden! They threw Osama bin Laden’s body in the OCEAN! [ panicking ] Get him off of me!
MERMAID: Whoa! He’s really dead! This is a lot to process. I don’t even know how to react.
SEAHORSE: I know how to react. [ chanting ] U! S! A!
[ the Salmon join in ]
TOGETHER: U! S! A!
MERMAID: Guys, I find that really distasteful.
SEAHORSE: But we GOT him!!
MERMAID: You didn’t do anything — and you’re DRUNK!
SEAHORSE: [ slurring ] Hey, I’m drunk because I’m CELEBRATING!
MERMAID: No… you were already drunk, and you’re using this as an excuse to get drunker.
SEAHORSE: [ holding a can of beer ] Alright, yeah… you got me!
CRABBY: [ still balancing the body on his shoulders ] Can we talk about this after you get him off of me, please?! I mean, this guy CAUSED 9/11!
MANTA RAY: Uh — did he?
[ the other sea creatures groan ]
MERMAID: No one wants to hear your conspiracy theories, Manta!
CRABBY: You know, I have HAD IT with these humans! They throw down their garbage, their oil spills, and their cruise ships use our home as a toilet!
SALMON #2: So do we…
SALMON #1: I’m going right now!
MERMAID: Besides, Crabby — they probably couldn’t bury him on land because then his supporters would turn his grave into a shrine.
CRABBY: SO?! Good! Bury him, and then, when anyone shows up, ARREST THEM! Or just bury him at Gitmo! “Hi, I’m here to see Osama bin Laden’s grave.” “Oh, here he is right over here — welcome to JAIL!!”
MERMAID: Crabby, calm down! You’re turning all red!
CRABBY: Well, I’m red because I’m a crab! Look — now get Obama OFF of me! I mean, Osama! Aggghhhh!! I keep doing that!
MANTA RAY: It’s just one letter. Pretty weird, right?
[ the other sea creatures groan ]
CRABBY: Oh, SHUT UP, Manta!
MERMAID: [ pointing upward ] Look, Crabby! The current is taking his body away! We’ll NEVER have to see him again!
[ Crabby breathes a sigh of relief ]
MANTA RAY: Uh — if it was even him.