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Chapter 4

He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Having Sex with You

When Men Like You, They Want to Touch You, Always

Ladies, you are going to meet, and have already met, many, many men in the years that constitute your dating lifespan.

And I hate to tell you this, but some of these men will simply not be attracted to you.

I know you're hot, but that's just the way it is.

Even Cindy Crawford has dudes that go, "I don't know what the big deal is all about."

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And every single one of these men that are not attracted to you will never ever tell you that.

Oh, the things they'll say...they're scared, hurt, tired, injured, sick, scared (again) .

But the truth is simple, brutal, and clear as a bell: He's not attracted to you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

If he were into you, he would be having a hard time keeping his paws off you.

Oh the simplicity of it all! If a man is not trying to undress you, he's not into you.

3.

The "He's Afraid to Get Hurt Again" Excuse

Dear Greg,

I had a boyfriend ten years ago.

I bumped into him on the street recently, after not having seen him for many years, and we start "dating" again, even though it is unclear if that's exactly what's going on.

He won't kiss me or make a pass at me.

But, Greg, we're going salsa dancing, we're going bar hopping, we're staying out late, talking and dancing and laughing and flirting.

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He keeps telling me how great I look, how great it is to see me.

One night he even told me he loved me and hoped I'd always be in his life.

My friends all say he's just afraid to get hurt again and I should stick this one out.

He's a great guy. Doesn't he seem really into me, but he's scared?

Salsa dancing, Greg, till four in the morning.

Salsa dancing. Please advise.

Signed Nicole

5.

Hey Salsa,

I'm a dude. If I like you, I kiss you.

And then I think about what you look like in and out of your underwear.

I'm a guy. That's how it works. No ifs, no ands, and clearly no buts.

Is he scared? Yes, he's scared of hurting your feelings.

That's why he hasn't clarified the relationship.

He may even be biding his time hoping he will develop deeper feelings for you.

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When this dude tells you he loves you and that he hopes you never lose touch again, he may as well be signing your yearbook.

He loves you as a friend.

If he were in love with you, he wouldn't be able to help himself from getting involved in a romantic relationship regardless of his fear or past experiences.

I say, move on! Go meet someone more worthy of your affections and hot salsa moves.

Adios, Greg

7.

There are lots of reasons a man might not want to take a friendship to the "next level."

It really doesn't matter what they are or if they make any sense to you.

The bottom line is that when he imagines being with you more intimately and trust me, we do think about these things , he pauses and then says to himself, "Nah."

Don't spend any more time thinking about it, other than saying to yourself, clearly, "His loss."

8.

The "He's So Into Me That Now He's Not" Excuse

Dear Greg,

I've been dating a guy for a month. We've had sex and it's been nice.

Just when it seemed like things were really "taking off," we stopped having sex.

I've stayed over at his house four times now and we end up just...sleeping.

Some cuddling, but that's about it. It's weird, but sex just doesn't happen anymore.

It's humiliating to have to ask him what's going on, so I'm just going to assume that it's actually because he's really, really into me, and he's just scared.

Signed Sally

9.

Dear Just Cuddling,

A month? A month? ! Are you freaking kidding me?

This should be the time when he's getting comfortable enough to bring up the subject of outfits, positions and lotions.

A month? The only thing he should be tired of is thinking of different ways to ravage you.

And after only a month, he really wouldn't be tired of that.

Now, you can get up the nerve to ask him what's going on-communication is never a bad idea.

But my guess is that you probably already have your answer.

I say start walking, and let him explain to your hot ass why he doesn't want to have sex with you.

And if he doesn't, well, you know what we'd say to that.

Greg

10.

Ahh, here comes the big "fear of intimacy" debate.

Is there such a thing?

Many, many people are in therapy for it, a lot of self-help books are dedicated to it, a lot of shitty behavior is excused because of it.

Sure, many people have been hurt in their past, and now have a fear of intimacy.

But guess what?

If a man is really into you, nothing will stop him from being with you-including a fear of intimacy.

He may run and get his butt into therapy if there's some serious problem, but he'll never keep you in the dark.

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The "But It Still Feels So Good" Excuse

Dear Greg,

I'm dating this guy who told me after the first date that he can't be monogamous.

He doesn't believe in it. I slept with him anyway.

Then I realized it would be bad to date him, so I told him I couldn't go out with him.

But then I missed him.

So now we're doing this weird thing where we hang out, go on dates, and then have these little "sleepovers."

I sleep over at his house and we just cuddle.

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It's so nice, Greg. We make dinner, watch television, laugh.

It's really sweet and I feel so close to him.

He doesn't try anything and we just enjoy each other's company.

I know I'm not supposed to expect anything more, but I'm feeling like his girlfriend, and you never know where this could lead.

It feels so great to stay over and wake up with him!

Is there anything wrong with this?

Signed Pat

13.

Dear Slumber Party,

Let me see. It wasn't hard enough for you to hear that the person you are dating doesn't want to be monogamous.

But then you slathered on the extra hurt by continuing to see him while he may be sleeping with other people.

So now you're feeling like his girlfriend, but without any of the perks. Not even sex.

What kind of weird science experiment are you doing with your emotions?