Dealing with Someone Else's Emotional Reactions

CHAPTER 7 When Grown-Ups Throw Tantrums

Now let's dive into how you have allowed other people's emotional reactions to influence your decisions.

The reality is adults are as emotional as children, and it is not your responsibility to manage someone else's reactions. As long as you let other people's emotional immaturity dictate your choices, you'll always come last in your own life.

I had no idea how big of a problem this was for me, and neither do you. From navigating guilt trips, to fearing disappointment, to worrying about someone's reaction or if "now is the right time," to tiptoeing around someone's mood, you're allowing other people's behaviors and reactions to drain your energy.

But it goes deeper than that. Their passive-aggressive behavior, guilt trips, and emotional outbursts are driving your decisions. This is why you say yes when you really want to say no. You cave when you should stand firm. This is why it's hard for you to set boundaries. This is why you walk on eggshells when certain people are in a bad mood.

Sure, it feels easier in the moment to give in to your sister's guilt trip, but, in the long run, you lose a crucial piece of yourself. When every interaction with your girlfriend or boyfriend leaves you emotionally exhausted, ask yourself this: Why are you always the one who has to adjust? Why do you take on the responsibility for someone else's happiness—at the expense of your own?

You will always come last if you let other people's emotional immaturity have power over you. Instead of taking on the weight of someone's disappointment, anger, or guilt, you'll learn a liberating new approach: Just Let Them react.

When you say Let Them, you give other people the space to feel their emotions without needing to fix them. When you say Let Me, you do what's right for you, even if it upsets someone, which is how you take responsibility for your own life.

It's time to stop being manipulated by someone else's guilt, anger, or disappointment. Other people's emotional reactions are not your responsibility to manage. I learned this from my therapist, Anne Davin, Ph.D., who is a depth psychologist, writer, and the smartest woman I've ever met. One day, I was talking with her about creating boundaries with a particularly difficult family member.

The thing is, I don't want this person to bother me. It's just that they have this way of constantly making it about them. I bet you have someone in your family like this. You know an evening with this person is going to be incredibly draining. If the attention is not on them, they have endless ways of bringing it back to them—positive or negative.

What If We Are All Just Eight Years Old?

So I was talking to Anne about this person and she said something that changed everything:

"Mel, most adults are just eight-year-old children inside of big bodies. The next time you're with this person and you feel yourself getting triggered by something they say or some way that they act, I want you to just imagine the fourth-grade version of them present in the room with you. Because what you're describing is someone who has the emotional maturity of an eight-year-old. And, like it or not, that's most adults."

Honestly, as I sat there and processed what she was saying, it made a lot of sense. It's true. Most people don't know how to process their emotions in a healthy way, much less communicate their needs in a direct and respectful fashion. I know I certainly didn't.

Just think about it: Why else does your mom pout instead of saying what's wrong? Why does your friend give you the silent treatment? Why does your boyfriend send you passive-aggressive texts when you're out with friends? Why does your sister blow up, then act like nothing happened an hour later?

It's because adults, at their core, are just as emotional as children. The difference is, they are better at hiding it...most of the time.

But here's what's beautiful about the Let Them Theory: It doesn't make you more judgmental—it makes you more compassionate. Instead of getting frustrated, you begin to understand that most people simply don't have the tools to handle their emotions maturely.

The truth is that no one has been taught how to do this. To handle your emotions, you have to understand them and know how to process them in a healthy way. And in my experience, most people have no idea how to do this. I know I certainly didn't.

Emotional maturity isn't something you're born with or that just happens. It's a skill that takes time, practice, and a desire to learn. My therapist is right. Most people you meet still act like an eight-year-old child when they don't get what they want or when they feel uncomfortable emotions.

But now, with the Let Them Theory, you'll learn to respond with compassion, set your boundaries, and stop letting other people's emotional immaturity run your life. And you're going to need this tool because the connection between adults and childlike behavior is irrefutable: